| George Clooney and Bill Murray Have A Straight Up Gesture Battle In Italy |
[9 July 2009] |
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http://www.bestweekever.tv/2009-07-09/george-clooney-and-bill-murray-have-a-straight-up-gesture-battle-in-italy/ http://www.bestweekever.tv/?p=38215 George Clooney and Bill Murray toured the earthquake-stricken Italian village of L’Aquila today with some of the G-8 leaders’ spouses. During the event, though, it seems Clooney and Murray had a mano á mano gesture-off. Don’t know what the hell I’m talking about? These pictures should do the trick:
 “Hey Murray, what do you say we show these people how we throw down in Hollywood? Gesture-off. You ready?”
 “Please, Cloon-dog. I was born ready. Your move.”
 “Boom. Nose scratch. Beat that, Billy Boy.”
 “Easy. Forehead rub. This is child’s play.”
 “Ok, fine. Let’s step this thing up. The two finger point with a slight head turn. Give up?”
 “Gee, George, maybe I should give up. But first, can you hold my… INVISIBLE CUP?!”
 “Woah, the invisible cup. I haven’t seen that since the Danson-Ritter battle of ‘88. You win, Bill. I’ll back off.”
 “I can’t believe I lost. Now I have to hold this guy’s mic.”
And that, ladies and gentleman, was my dumbest post yet. Thanks for watching.
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| Parrotheads Demand Another Economic Stimulus, Margaritas |
[9 July 2009] |
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http://www.bestweekever.tv/2009-07-09/parrotheads-demand-another-economic-stimulus-margaritas/ http://www.bestweekever.tv/?p=38214 I was just in an elevator with a news ticker, and ever-so-briefly did a double-take when I saw this headline:
Buffett Calls For Second Stimulus
</br>
Even slow-minded, always-hoping-for-the-joke me realized after about two seconds that the headline was actually referring to Warren Buffett, but for that slightest of moments, I was savoring the mental picture of Jimmy Buffett on stage in front of 60,000 Hawaiian-shirted fans slowing things down a bit mid-”Cheeseburger” to address his Parrot-headed faithful about the long-term dangers of incomplete government economic intervention, ultimately declaring that a second stimulus package is an absolute necessity.
He would then complete the final chorus, chug a Land Shark on stage, and launch into “Fins” while encouraging the fans to get their fins up.
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| A List Of Future Arbitrary Top Chef Challenge Themes |
[9 July 2009] |
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http://www.bestweekever.tv/2009-07-09/a-list-of-future-arbitrary-top-chef-challenge-themes/ http://www.bestweekever.tv/?p=38209  I’m enjoying Top Chef Masters so far, but last night’s “Magic” Elimination Challenge was by far the most arbitrary “Everyone gets one theme to work with” challenge in the illustrious history of arbitrary-ass Top Chef challenges. The guest judge/wizard described that magic is all about four things (and nothing else) — Illusion, Mystery, Spectacle, and Surprise — and surprise! Each chef was given one of the extremely comparable nouns as their theme to cook with.
In the grand tradition of “Vulture, Lion, Bear, Gorilla, Penguin”, here’s a list of some handy groups of random terms for future arbitrary Top Chef challenges. Feel free to leave your own in the comments:
Nickel, Dime, Quarter, Penny
John, Paul, George, Ringo
Index Finger, Middle Finger, Ring Finger, Thumb
A, B, Select, Start
Father, Son, Holy Ghost
Courier, Times New Roman, Helvetica, Arial
Alec Baldwin, Stephen Baldwin, Billy Baldwin, Daniel Baldwin
Helium, Oxygen, Neon, Xenon
Feudalism, Capitalism, Socialism, Communism
Die Hard, Die Harder, Die Hard With A Vengeance, Live Free Or Die Hard
Adjective, Noun, Verb, Adverb
Sean Connery, Roger Moore, Pierce Brosnan, Daniel Craig
Head, Thorax, Abdomen
Prince, Weird Symbol, The Artist, Prince Again
Yourself or Someone Like You, Mad Season, More Than You Think You Are, Exile on Mainstream
The Number 1, The Number 2, The Number 3, The Number 4
Others? Leave ‘em in the comments!
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| Is This America’s Susan Boyle??? |
[9 July 2009] |
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http://www.bestweekever.tv/2009-07-09/is-this-americas-susan-boyle/ http://www.bestweekever.tv/?p=38190 No, probably not. But comedian Grandma Lee is thus far the most likely America’s Got Talent contestant to have her video forwarded to you by relatives you barely speak with.
It was a familiar scene when I first watched this. I was booing loudly at my computer screen when she walked on stage… JUST like when I first saw that Susan Boyle video. I mean, look at her. There’s no way this old bag would even know how to operate her own VCR, nonetheless string together a set up and punchline. She probably can’t even eat solid food! Get back in your rocker, Grandma Lee! Then came the jokes:
 She did tell some funny jokes and everyone in the audience gave her a standing ovation, so I’m going ahead and officially crowning her ‘America’s Susan Boyle’ [mostly so I don't have to worry about this anymore]. She’s a pistol, I’ll give her that.
Any other nominees yet for ‘America’s Susan Boyle’ or can I focus all my NBC reality show attention on The Great American Roadtrip hosted by what looks like Andy Richter’s long lost special needs brother?
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| Would You Still Do Bloody Demon Megan Fox? |
[9 July 2009] |
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http://www.bestweekever.tv/2009-07-09/would-you-still-do-bloody-demon-megan-fox/ http://www.bestweekever.tv/?p=38175 Fangoria brings us the following bloody Megan Fox photo, and I don’t mean “bloody” like, what a child says when they’re imitating a British accent, but rather “bloody” like, she plays a demon who eats men in her next movie, Jennifer’s Body.
Topic of water cooler discussion (once you’ve covered last night’s Seinfeld) — would you still do bloody, man-eating Megan Fox demon?
Short Answer: Yeah, probably.
Long Answer: Yeah, I would probably still do bloody demon Megan Fox, even though she is a bloody demon.
Thoughts, other people at the water cooler getting water?
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| While You Were Begging To Hear Larry King Say The Word “Sperm” Some More |
[9 July 2009] |
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http://www.bestweekever.tv/2009-07-09/while-you-were-begging-to-hear-larry-king-say-the-word-sperm-some-more/ http://www.bestweekever.tv/?p=38168 
- Arnold Klein admitted on Larry King Live that he once donated sperm, and said that Michael Jackson “loved those kids…and that’s the most important grouping.” He added, “The fact that I am very obviously their father is just splitting hairs.”
- Kate Winslet announced she is officially retiring her boobs. From now on, seeing her naked will require one additional billionth of a second on the internet.
- If you’ve been following the Lenny Dykstra financial saga, you’ll be interested to know that Lenny filed for (f***ing) bankruptcy. This whole situation is like a funnier Bernie Madoff deal, only less tragic and with constant, mumbled F-words.
- I know the situation isn’t funny, but Eighth-Grade Me just couldn’t help but chuckle at this headline.
- If you’re a band in the New York area, Silver Sound is holding a Music Video Film Festival and Band Battle in August, and is currently accepting submissions. Why should you do it? 1) There’s prizes, and 2) I will be emceeing the band battle, and I guarantee your band will never sound better than after 5 minutes of my painful, interstitial comedy. It’s like following the Beastie Boys, in reverse.
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| CAPTION THIS: Oh Hello, I Didn’t See You There. I’m Barack Obama. |
[8 July 2009] |
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http://www.bestweekever.tv/2009-07-08/caption-this-oh-hello-i-didnt-see-you-there-im-barack-obama/ http://www.bestweekever.tv/?p=38159 Oh hello, I didn’t see you there. I’m Barack Obama, and if you’re watching this, it means you’ve decided to become a part of the Staples family. Let’s get you started on this new, exciting career opportunity in the world of office supply retail.
Hopefully, after watching this training video, and a few weeks of working hard and paying attention to your managers, when a customer asks you if you can help them find a particular ink cartridge, you’ll be able to tell them with pride, “YES WE CAN.” Ha. Little joke there. Now let’s get started!
(Getty Images)
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| 10 Reasons Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believing” Has Jumped The Shark |
[8 July 2009] |
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http://www.bestweekever.tv/2009-07-08/10-reasons-journeys-dont-stop-believing-has-jumped-the-shark/ http://www.bestweekever.tv/?p=38108 Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believing”: Unquestionably one of the greatest, most epic songs ever written. From its years as a rock radio mainstay and iconic concert favorite to its more recent fame as a go-to karaoke showstopper and iconic, if highly predictable, college party night-ender, no song seemed more completely invincible to the threat of ever growing too repetitive.
However, in the past five years or so, “DSB” has shot past the point of merely being ubiquitous to being something else — something almost…annoying. Played out? Used up? Exact wording aside, it’s clear that “Don’t Stop Believing” has, through no fault of the song itself, jumped the shark. And I know I’m not alone in believing this.
In the interests of spreading the blame around, here are the 10 Main Reasons for the “DSB” shark-jumping:
10. Sopranos Finale
An epic scene, to be sure, but the Sopranos finale marked the beginning of the end for “DSB.” Yes, it inspired a year’s worth of parodies parodies by everyone from the Pittsburgh Pirates to frickin’ Hillary Clinton, but concluding the most successful show in cable history with such a memorable moment should’ve been the untoppable, be-all and end-all of anyone ever trying to incorporate “DSB” ever again, when in fact, it was only the beginning.
9. Youtube Covers
It’s hard to blame the song “DSB” for any Youtube offshoots it’s inspired — I don’t blame the song for anything on this list, frankly — but this song in particular has served as an excuse for countless internet masses to unleash their “bad on purpose but really just bad” internetty-as-hell videos upon the internet. Here’s just one example.
8. Glee Pilot
The first episode of Fox’s Glee concluded with a kid-tastic “DSB” cover, including a rockin’ solo from this Burger King Kids’ Club character, which was placed on iTunes and downloaded 177,000 times in a week, thus charting higher than the original Journey song.
7. Scrubs Montage
You’d think the show Scrubs would at least take the tongue-in-cheek approach to the “DSB” montage, but nope — here’s Zach Braff’s straight-faced meditations on life.
6. Red Wings Fans
The Detroit Red Wings blast “DSB” during the third period of home games, giving everyone in the crowd a chance to shout along to the “South Detroit” mention. A fine tradition, except for the fact that 1) There’s not really any geographical location referred to as “South Detroit,” and 2) In the very next line of the song, the character takes a train going anywhere else.
5. Nick Pitera Cover Of Glee Cover
…And let’s not forget Youtube covers of the Glee cover of “DSB.” It’s like Russian nesting dolls of terrible.
4. Rock Of Ages Air Guitar Record
Here’s 400 people paying $120 to pretend to play along with a bunch of actors pretending to be Journey! New World Record!
3. Family Guy Version
It’s the Family Guy characters singing “Don’t Stop Believing”!!! I love them and the song so much I don’t care that there literally isn’t a joke to this, it’s just them singing it for a minute and a half!!!
2. Michael Phelps On A Plane
Given the fact that Michael Phelps could turn Michaelangelo’s Birth of Man douchey by touching it, Michael Phelps singing “DSB” on a plane to promote a website exceeds any degree of doucheocity measurable by mankind.
1. The Ellen Page Cover
Juno’s Ellen Page and Arrested Development’s Alia Shawkat doing…whatever this is. And that’ll do it, folks:
Since I’m sure there’s no point in calling a stopping the “DSB” overuse-juggernaut at this point, I’ll just take this time to make one simple request of the music-licensing world:
Just don’t f*ck up the greatest music video ever made. Deal?
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[8 July 2009] |
in my suitcase i have:
acid, bread rolls, a cooler, dmt, e, fungi, glow sticks, hoola hoops, ice cubes, jello shots, k, lsd, molly, nitrous, opium, a piece, qtips, resin, salvia, tequila, an umbrella, vicodin, weed, xanax, yayo, a zebra costume.
----
our hands fit together perfectly, my left on top of your right. and now i know why you wanted to fix things and why your eyes look the way they do and how i hurt you because you hurt me too.
the forest healed me. the dirt and the clouds and the moon and the stars and the sun streaming on my back and shoulders, neck and chest healed me. the screams and the beats and your long hair and blue eyes are all in my heart and sometimes i want to burst. it's all too much to take in at once and i want you to be here all the time with me, for every music-induced moment. i don't want to feel that space between us, that emptiness beside me because you're not there.
i'm excited for the future because maybe, finally, everything will be all right and like it was. i can put my arm around your waist and feel that it's okay to love you and that it's okay for you to love me too.
those circles feel good again; they don't drown me out anymore.
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| FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION: The Harry Potter And The Half Blood Prince Premiere |
[8 July 2009] |
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http://www.bestweekever.tv/2009-07-08/for-your-consideration-the-harry-potter-and-the-half-blood-prince-premiere/ http://www.bestweekever.tv/?p=38074 Yesterday was the premiere of the long-awaited film Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince in London, and because it’s still a week before any of us can see it I thought I’d kill the time with some Michelle Collins-style awards. [Sadly none of the photos had Alan Rickman aka Professor Snape. He's the best.]
STAYIN’ ALIVIEST
 Daniel Radcliffe
DEFINITELY STILL HAS SWINE FLU
 Rupert Grint
MOST LIKELY TO BE A LITTLE TEAPOT, SHORT AND STOUT
 Michael Gambon
MOST LIKELY TO MAKE PEOPLE SAY “HOLY CRAP! WHEN DID SHE GROW UP?!”
 Emma Watson
THE JUDD APATOW LOOKALIKE AWARD
 J.K. Rowling’s date
MOST LIKELY NEEDS A LONG NAP
 Helena Bonham Carter
PAULA DEENIEST
 Miriam Margolyes
MOST LIKELY WEARING A SET PIECE FROM THE WIZARD OF OZ
 This lady
“I’M REAL! I’M A REAL BOY!” PINOCCHIO AWARD
 Daniel Radcliffe
MOST LIKELY TO BE CONFUSED FOR BOB DYLAN OR A VAGRANT
 Tim Burton
MOST LIKELY TO RIP OPEN THE FABRIC OF TIME AND SPACE BY KISSING
 Daniel Radcliffe and J.K. Rowling
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